Another Battle

I was reading Kevin Leman's Birth order book the other day and I fit the description of the youngest child to a T. It said something about how we crave attention and then feel a little messed up when no one takes us seriously. Too true.

I had an experience like that today. My mom and I went together to get my four year old son a hair cut. Normally this is something that she requests to do for me. I let her; it's a really small thing and she enjoys it. Today I was tagging along. My son has always hated the sound of the clippers and kind of freaks out. My mom normally counters this with a bag of peanut m&ms that he gets to hold until it's done. After it is over he gets to eat them. I would call it a good trade.

Today, however, my son apparently freaked out more than normal. Scrunching up his shoulders, he made it almost impossible to get his hair cut. My mother proceeds to tell me how he never does this when she's alone with him. She then tells my son in a loud voice that she is going to take him in the back and spank him if he doesn't behave. Okay, I want him to sit still as much as anyone else, but threatening him with bodily harm is not necessarily the way that I would have handled it. The hairstylist didn't like it much either because she told my mom in a very polite voice "no".

I pulled my mom aside and very quietly asked her to lower her voice, please. I also handled the situation. I very calmly walked over to the reception area and asked for a sucker. I then went over to my son and unceremoniously popped it in his mouth. He sat still.

At the end of the cut, he started squirming again. The hairstylist brought out the small clippers, which still freak him out, and wanted him to lean forward so that she could clean up the back. Well my son is ducking down again so my mom resumes threatening him. I don't mind a spanking when it is earned, but I don't think that it is the best way to conquer fear. I told my son what we were planning on doing when he gets done. He stopped wiggling.

On our way back to my parent's house, I told my mom that when I am present I needed to be allowed to be the parent. I am not inept; I have been doing the mom thing for thirteen years. My kids are pretty cool. They are not perfect. My mom reiterated how he would never do this to her if she had been alone with him. She told me to shut up and that she can say whatever she wants to my son. Okay.

A little bit more background: My oldest brother would not talk to my parents for over six years and has not seen them for nine. My middle brother, who had to live with them for awhile after a particularly nasty divorce, just moved out in spite of the fact that he is seriously strapped for cash. They told him that he could no longer be on the computer in their home. He only spent about ten hours a week on the computer! Considering that he is shy and retiring, the fact that he would communicate with anyone using any medium at all is a miracle. I am now ready to cut the cord.

We are a boiling cauldron of dysfunction in our family. We all fight dirty. I hate it. It tears me up when these things happen. Things went further downhill when my mother told me that she didn't care about my thoughts on this issue. At that point, I thought that it would be best if we just headed home. However, the way that my family operates, my parents thought that it would be a really good idea to mock me. "And the runner is off again". Arrgghh.

It sucks that I can't even establish boundaries that work for me and my family. I would like nothing better than to do what my oldest brother did: He moved to the opposite coast. Sometimes he says that might still be too close. He has encouraged me to let them know that while he respects their position, that some things have to be set in stone. He pointed out that my husband and I are the only ones to decide the sort of discipline that is allowed. Considering that my parents have both been violent with us, I do not trust them to be able to objectively determine that themselves. My brother told me that I need to get over this need of mine to have them approve of me and my life. I agree. Now if I only knew how!

You see, I don't need them to agree with me about how I do things. I would just really like for them to acknowledge that I have the right to decide to do things my own way. Just because it may not match their method does not make it wrong. There are so many different ways to parent; some good, some not so good. I am doing the best that I can. I get compliments on my children and how respectful and polite they are. My husband and I did that.

We did it differently than our parents did, although his parents are pretty cool. We did things that were geared to each child. Enough.

I can't help at this point that these arguments and fights practically kill me. I get so frustrated and angry about not being heard or taken seriously. There is honestly nothing I can do to change how my parents are. I think that I am going to have to do what my brother suggests; limit contact, make contact only on neutral territory, and not accept the things that my parents will hold over my head. (Gifts, babysitting, etc.) If they can't agree, I have to let it, and them, go. It hurts too much. It also hurts that I let go of my self control and say the same type of hurtful stuff to them that they say to me. I am responsible for my own mouth and if I can't be kind, I have to be quiet. Since that is a weak spot for me, I guess that I need to avoid them for awhile.

Wish us all luck!